Archive for May 2011
Integration of Light and Shadow
“In the same way that you can love a good friend while clearly seeing his or her faults and short comings, you can love yourself for all that you truly are.” ~Shakti Gawain
I knocked on the hotel room door, a little nervous but having the extreme knowing that this was exactly where I was supposed to be. Even as I am writing my arm trembles from having been cuffed and hung for 45 minutes above my head from the metal door frame…but that comes later.
I walked into the room, Dom and I sat on the bed, and I got to hold space as the facilitator as he let me in; shared where his body had aches and pains; where his heart was desiring to be comforted; how he wished for his mind to slow down; desired insight into what I felt or could see in his energetic body. I enjoyed the ease of helping him set boundaries and parameters, and then opening myself as a channel and for the next hour and 15 minutes I massaged “played” his body both physically and energetically as the master instrument that it is. He teared up as I spoke a few insights that came through from spirit. His fever and body aches were feeling better by the end of our session. I ended with toning and cuddling and was taken deeper into gratitude for being blessed to have the opportunity to work on so many “masters”. Dom has been into domination and tantra for over a decade. He is a master at his craft. I feel blessed to have the ability to hold the intense space for their stuff to surface, and my ability to allow spirit to move through me to shift and move their energy, is so graceful and fulfilling!!
Afterwards Dom showered, and we switched roles. In our previous conversation I had expressed my desire to experience being submissive. Have my partner tell me what to do, to not only give me permission to explore my slutty, insatiable side, but to demand it. That way, I could release the feelings that these things are selfish, (I would then be giving him a gift), release my insecurities, release my judgements of myself for these wanton feelings that it is “not ok” to have. Release my feeling of always “having to be the one giving”
Dom agreed that could be fun, I might even experience a breakthrough, but that my real healing would take place when somebody held space for me to beg for those same things, to totally OWN my wants and desires. As much as THAT terrified me and made me want to run screaming for the door, I knew he was spot on.
As we checked in, he told me I had two choices for the next hour and a half. He could give me a list of options, a menu to choose from and experience, see which ones I may want to explore further; or we could just dive in deep within a specific container and expose that which up till now has remained hidden within me.
I felt safe with Dom and that he could hold a magnificient container, and if I feel safe I like to dive into my discomfort, I will usually pick that thing that I fear the most. I was surprised, and Dom was pleasantly surprised and pleased that even though for all intents and purposes this would be my first adventure into the BDSM realm, I was able to be super clear on what boundaries I had. Never to be called “Bitch”, although as I felt into his question if “cunt”, “slut”, “fucking whore” were all ok, they were. None of them had a negative charge. I only wanted to touch the edges of pain in hair pulling, impact play, I felt comfortable with red, yellow, green as my safe words. I was okay straddling my claustrophobic edge with breath play so long as I had my mouth and nose unobstructed at any given time, and I was more than ok with rope bondage on my entire body.
He asked if I wanted him to play a more nurturing father role, or a real dominant one who is demanding and insistent, not gentle. I asked if it had to be either, or? Couldn’t it be a yes/and? He smiled and said yes. Then he laid out the ground rules of pleasing him, acknowledging his request, calling him “sir”, using the safe words, having frequent check ins and we began the journey.
He sat in a chair, had me bring him a glass of wine, and his suitcase and then kneel down between his legs. He then had me lay prone my head touching the floor, my butt in the air. He laid his toys out beside me and slowly picked up a flogger. Tracing it on my body, asking if I knew what it was.
Then he began to rhythmically flog one cheek, then the other. There were two times I was close to saying “yellow” it was right at my pain threshold, but then Dom would sense it and back off. Next he grabbed my hair and pulled me up on my knees, my eyes to his, and he pulled on my nipples, hard. Again just as I was going to say “yellow” he began to back off. He then grabbed his red rope, and began to tie it around my breasts, my chests, my shoulders, the sides of my neck, and then took my hands and put some cuffs on me, and then had me crawl across the floor to the door. He hooked the metal clasps on the metal door jam, my hands stretched above my head. I had to be on my tiptoes. Then he systematically flogged my body.
He would alternate between the edge of pain, and pleasure; calling me the agreed upon words, asking if I was enjoying pleasing him; saying I was pleasing him very much. As I was there hanging from the doorway on tiptoes, totally exposed allowing myself to go into the pleasure of humiliation, the excitement of being “dirty”, “bad”, “insatiable” something broke in me. I began to cry, huge cathartic sobs. Dom wanted to check in, so he slowly brought the scene down, kissed my eyes, held my heart, unhooked my hands and led me back over to the chair. I expressed that what had come up for me was the constant desire for approval to be loved, that had led to my shapeshifting, my people pleasing tendencies. Still had a large hold on me in part because it felt like to me that no one on the planet could ever love accept and desire the “bad” girl in me. That even if I did find someone who did, they could never love accept and desire my pure sweet Christlike self, and yet, just now, someone had. They saw my huge spiritual gifts, and dared to journey deep with my vixen. Desired and adored both. Something I had carried since I was seven began to melt away.
Dom asked me what direction I wanted to go in now. We continued with me asking for what I wanted, not quite begging, but getting closer, he asked me if I wanted to take the rope off before we continued, or keep it on. I immediately began to answer… but he stopped me and said “let your slut answer” I had been about to say, “take it off, lets play BEing just us”, I realized a part of me still wanted to wear the rope, wanted to keep playing and that the rest of me did not, did not even consider that part of me, ME. “Me just being me” was the sweet intuitive, unconditional lover, giver, and I wanted to honor the animalistic, hedonistic selfish woman, so I kept it on.
There came a point, that something was different. I didn’t know what but I didn’t wait until I figured it out. I honored myself and asked him to stop immediately. He did. We sat and eyegazed and he let me have space to dig through my feelings, find my words, and I realized I was at a saturation point. I had hit all of the edges I could handle today, released, allowed, accepted, surrendered so much. Anything more would be too much. It would be that extra plate you always regret later for eating at the all you can eat buffet.
I realized 2 huge things as we cuddled and we slowly came down, as he untied me. I slowly allowed my “bad” girl to have a seat with my other parts in my psyche. Maybe not to make decisions or be fully integrated, but my parts were willing to listen to her instead of shunning her.
The two things were, that BDSM is not really a means of pleasure for me, the sensation play I love, but the other, I see only as a tool to help access my hidden parts, my BDSM curiosity and fantasies were because it would be a useful tool to heal some deep seated crap in my psyche, in my body. But ultimately, once those shifts have occured, it really isn’t my thing. I would rather have energetic penetration, sensation playing, wrestling, laughing, cuddling, making love with my partner and God. I never could have understood any of that, or the stuff I was shoving down, had I not been a yes to creating an experience to try it.
The second was HUGE. As Dom began to talk to my Inner Slut. We found out her name was Morena, pronounced MORE-rain-AH. The name I had always wanted to give a daughter. I realized Morena had been around since I was seven years old. I had drawn sexy pictures made up explicit stories of what sex was to me, used to turn our bean bags chairs into penis’s and have my best girlfriends go make running leaps with me and jump on them. I was aware of and fascinated with my genitals and although sex was never anything discussed or brought up at my house. I found ways to read about it, discuss it, draw it, act it out, dream it! Then at 8 I was molested, at 10 and 15 I was raped and each time I buried that inner slut, that sex-positive connieseur deeper and deeper. Convinced it was her fault I was getting abused, that men wanted me, that my voice and power were being taken away, that that part of me was evil and bad and completely unloveable. That if I let her out, she would “destroy” my divine self and any relationship I was lucky enough to be in.
WOW. Big stuff.
It’s now Sunday (the next day). I have been in bed all day, relaxing, integrating, processing, taking a day off, even though I “should” be working on my never-ending “to-do” list. I feel like I just went through major surgery, and the idea that my light and shadow may have a way of co-existing. Of being loved, adored, accepted by my beloveds, by ME. The implications are HUGE!!! I have begun to heal, just might be time for the collective to also. I have a glimpse of how powerful my light self is. I am anxiously yet nervously excited to meet the empowered goddess who is my WHOLE.
AND now a little over a week later I dared to open even further, I opened myself to all new fantasies, I posted about BDSM and strap-ons in my FB status, I am going to places in conversation with clients that I have never gone to, about dark desires, about their “slutty” sides and I am just soooo extremely grateful that I now have an all new place of knowing, of compassionate space holding, a shiny new tool for my toolbox. Even more importantly, I feel free, I feel passionate about every aspect of my life, I feel accepted and therefore accept, unconditionally, everyone in my life.
I finally intimately understand Rumi’s field “Out beyond the ideas of right and wrong, there is a field. I will meet you there.”