Archive for March 2012
A nameless Buddhist monk once said “He who tries to get out sinks in deeper. to roll in it like a pig, digest it and turn it into golden dust, into a brook of pure water. To fashion stars out of dog dung, that is the great work.”
Why is it that we so often in life tend to idolize people who display the qualities we long for, we continuously hold ourselves to unfair standards, a flavor of “perfection” that we would never even imagine another would have to follow. I am extremely grateful to those who remind us our halo’s are around our hearts, our greatness is in our ability to embrace our own human side. Smile, love, celebrate our unique imperfections.
I had an experience on a recent trip that completely turned everything I had ever thought about myself on it’s head. I was in a deep phone call with a dear friend, he and I had begun letting our inner “little children” come out and play together, have a voice, begin to feel seen, validated, and feel free to just BE. On this particular call, we were talking about meeting people from a fully empowered place, that stepping up and coming from 100% your own power and wanting another to step up and meet you at 100% their own power doesn’t diminish either of you, it’s a magical space to meet in. But my friend heard something in my voice and said, “Wait a minute, I don’t really want to hear from this Monique, I want to hear from the little girl I heard a few minute’s ago who was relishing having power over someone.” I took a deep breath and decided to explore deeper. I told him I wanted to wrestle, I did want to feel like I had power over him, over others, perhaps even over the whole world!! I was so tired of feeling powerless. As I spoke, the words, the feelings tumbling out one after another, I was shocked and horrified to realize way down deep, I had these feelings and desire’s. He kept pushing me to dig, kept assuring me, I was OK. The next layer I tapped into feelings of wanting to hit, bite, scratch…….Oh my gosh, I wanted to hurt someone else. Those feelings came up soooo strong, even my self judgement that I should not be feeling this, that THIS is not ok, couldn’t hold back the rip tide. I began to sob and still my friend pushed me deeper. I asked him, “Aren’t you afraid of me?” He said, “No, my heart is pounding, and I feel truly alive, I look forward to the challenge, do your worst!”
Fear of what could possibly be behind that coursed through me, but instead of resisting the wave, I went into it. “I want to rape you, I want YOU to be powerless before me.” The words escaped my lips before I could censor them or hold them back. As soon as I spoke them, I became hysterical, screaming, sobbing into the phone, “This is not ok, I am not going here with you, I need to hang up now, it’s not ok, it’s NOT OK!” and all my friend whispered was, “I love you, Monique” I had two other beloveds in the house where I was having this phone conversation, and they came into the room where I was falling apart on the phone. One held me from behind, clutching my heart, the other holding my feet, helping to bring me back into my body. I was crying sooo hard, couldn’t breath, yelling at the top of voice, “How could I have feelings like this? After what I went through again and again growing up? I’ve spent my life protecting the innocent, giving others conscious choice, how can I feel THIS?”
I did hang up, and collapsed into a ball on the ground. Convinced I would never be ok again, that these people who had witnessed this monster inside of me would run away in terror, withdraw their love, believing I could never love this part of me. But as my sobs lessened, my friends still holding me, still here, my friend texting me, “You are OK and I love you more, Monique” I began to realize I was still the same person. As I listened to my beloveds and more fully began to accept and hold that creature inside of me who longed to be powerful, to never be taken advantage of again, who had these “dark” thoughts and desire’s. I realized she was there whether I looked at her or not, at least in the mere fact of witnessing her, becoming aware of her existence, she would no longer be lying there like a snake ready to strike. Now she could communicate with me directly and I had a chance to more fully integrate ALL of my parts.
The greatest gift I found from this experience, other than extreme gratitude for such amazing friends/beloveds willingness to hold such deep space for me, is that I am no longer afraid of that part of me. I wrote the hottest Erotica to date that included elements of power over my partner. I realized by accepting that i had these thoughts and desire’s deep inside of me, I stopped being afraid of who I am, I stopped feeling like I had to hide myself or others could never love me. AND as I looked at myself with even more compassion, the whole world and everyone in it became more safe, became more OK, just as they are.
We love in others what we love in ourselves, we despise in others those things we despise in ourselves. Each time an emotion surfaces, this is a sure sign you are working through it in order to release it. If you resist the feeling it will fight you, grow teeth and claws to use to fight YOU, it is fighting for it’s life. The most loving thing you can do is be patient with yourself and with what you are feeling.
Our wounds drive us into ourselves, and can genuinely allow us an immediate and intimate contact with our soul. It is only within THAT raw contact that we have a chance to integrate ourselves completely and once again become whole.