A nameless Buddhist monk once said “He who tries to get out sinks in deeper. to roll in it like a pig, digest it and turn it into golden dust, into a brook of pure water. To fashion stars out of dog dung, that is the great work.”
Why is it that we so often in life tend to idolize people who display the qualities we long for, we continuously hold ourselves to unfair standards, a flavor of “perfection” that we would never even imagine another would have to follow. I am extremely grateful to those who remind us our halo’s are around our hearts, our greatness is in our ability to embrace our own human side. Smile, love, celebrate our unique imperfections.
I had an experience on a recent trip that completely turned everything I had ever thought about myself on it’s head. I was in a deep phone call with a dear friend, he and I had begun letting our inner “little children” come out and play together, have a voice, begin to feel seen, validated, and feel free to just BE. On this particular call, we were talking about meeting people from a fully empowered place, that stepping up and coming from 100% your own power and wanting another to step up and meet you at 100% their own power doesn’t diminish either of you, it’s a magical space to meet in. But my friend heard something in my voice and said, “Wait a minute, I don’t really want to hear from this Monique, I want to hear from the little girl I heard a few minute’s ago who was relishing having power over someone.” I took a deep breath and decided to explore deeper. I told him I wanted to wrestle, I did want to feel like I had power over him, over others, perhaps even over the whole world!! I was so tired of feeling powerless. As I spoke, the words, the feelings tumbling out one after another, I was shocked and horrified to realize way down deep, I had these feelings and desire’s. He kept pushing me to dig, kept assuring me, I was OK. The next layer I tapped into feelings of wanting to hit, bite, scratch…….Oh my gosh, I wanted to hurt someone else. Those feelings came up soooo strong, even my self judgement that I should not be feeling this, that THIS is not ok, couldn’t hold back the rip tide. I began to sob and still my friend pushed me deeper. I asked him, “Aren’t you afraid of me?” He said, “No, my heart is pounding, and I feel truly alive, I look forward to the challenge, do your worst!”
Fear of what could possibly be behind that coursed through me, but instead of resisting the wave, I went into it. “I want to rape you, I want YOU to be powerless before me.” The words escaped my lips before I could censor them or hold them back. As soon as I spoke them, I became hysterical, screaming, sobbing into the phone, “This is not ok, I am not going here with you, I need to hang up now, it’s not ok, it’s NOT OK!” and all my friend whispered was, “I love you, Monique” I had two other beloveds in the house where I was having this phone conversation, and they came into the room where I was falling apart on the phone. One held me from behind, clutching my heart, the other holding my feet, helping to bring me back into my body. I was crying sooo hard, couldn’t breath, yelling at the top of voice, “How could I have feelings like this? After what I went through again and again growing up? I’ve spent my life protecting the innocent, giving others conscious choice, how can I feel THIS?”
I did hang up, and collapsed into a ball on the ground. Convinced I would never be ok again, that these people who had witnessed this monster inside of me would run away in terror, withdraw their love, believing I could never love this part of me. But as my sobs lessened, my friends still holding me, still here, my friend texting me, “You are OK and I love you more, Monique” I began to realize I was still the same person. As I listened to my beloveds and more fully began to accept and hold that creature inside of me who longed to be powerful, to never be taken advantage of again, who had these “dark” thoughts and desire’s. I realized she was there whether I looked at her or not, at least in the mere fact of witnessing her, becoming aware of her existence, she would no longer be lying there like a snake ready to strike. Now she could communicate with me directly and I had a chance to more fully integrate ALL of my parts.
The greatest gift I found from this experience, other than extreme gratitude for such amazing friends/beloveds willingness to hold such deep space for me, is that I am no longer afraid of that part of me. I wrote the hottest Erotica to date that included elements of power over my partner. I realized by accepting that i had these thoughts and desire’s deep inside of me, I stopped being afraid of who I am, I stopped feeling like I had to hide myself or others could never love me. AND as I looked at myself with even more compassion, the whole world and everyone in it became more safe, became more OK, just as they are.
We love in others what we love in ourselves, we despise in others those things we despise in ourselves. Each time an emotion surfaces, this is a sure sign you are working through it in order to release it. If you resist the feeling it will fight you, grow teeth and claws to use to fight YOU, it is fighting for it’s life. The most loving thing you can do is be patient with yourself and with what you are feeling.
Our wounds drive us into ourselves, and can genuinely allow us an immediate and intimate contact with our soul. It is only within THAT raw contact that we have a chance to integrate ourselves completely and once again become whole.
Integration of Light and Shadow
“In the same way that you can love a good friend while clearly seeing his or her faults and short comings, you can love yourself for all that you truly are.” ~Shakti Gawain
I knocked on the hotel room door, a little nervous but having the extreme knowing that this was exactly where I was supposed to be. Even as I am writing my arm trembles from having been cuffed and hung for 45 minutes above my head from the metal door frame…but that comes later.
I walked into the room, Dom and I sat on the bed, and I got to hold space as the facilitator as he let me in; shared where his body had aches and pains; where his heart was desiring to be comforted; how he wished for his mind to slow down; desired insight into what I felt or could see in his energetic body. I enjoyed the ease of helping him set boundaries and parameters, and then opening myself as a channel and for the next hour and 15 minutes I massaged “played” his body both physically and energetically as the master instrument that it is. He teared up as I spoke a few insights that came through from spirit. His fever and body aches were feeling better by the end of our session. I ended with toning and cuddling and was taken deeper into gratitude for being blessed to have the opportunity to work on so many “masters”. Dom has been into domination and tantra for over a decade. He is a master at his craft. I feel blessed to have the ability to hold the intense space for their stuff to surface, and my ability to allow spirit to move through me to shift and move their energy, is so graceful and fulfilling!!
Afterwards Dom showered, and we switched roles. In our previous conversation I had expressed my desire to experience being submissive. Have my partner tell me what to do, to not only give me permission to explore my slutty, insatiable side, but to demand it. That way, I could release the feelings that these things are selfish, (I would then be giving him a gift), release my insecurities, release my judgements of myself for these wanton feelings that it is “not ok” to have. Release my feeling of always “having to be the one giving”
Dom agreed that could be fun, I might even experience a breakthrough, but that my real healing would take place when somebody held space for me to beg for those same things, to totally OWN my wants and desires. As much as THAT terrified me and made me want to run screaming for the door, I knew he was spot on.
As we checked in, he told me I had two choices for the next hour and a half. He could give me a list of options, a menu to choose from and experience, see which ones I may want to explore further; or we could just dive in deep within a specific container and expose that which up till now has remained hidden within me.
I felt safe with Dom and that he could hold a magnificient container, and if I feel safe I like to dive into my discomfort, I will usually pick that thing that I fear the most. I was surprised, and Dom was pleasantly surprised and pleased that even though for all intents and purposes this would be my first adventure into the BDSM realm, I was able to be super clear on what boundaries I had. Never to be called “Bitch”, although as I felt into his question if “cunt”, “slut”, “fucking whore” were all ok, they were. None of them had a negative charge. I only wanted to touch the edges of pain in hair pulling, impact play, I felt comfortable with red, yellow, green as my safe words. I was okay straddling my claustrophobic edge with breath play so long as I had my mouth and nose unobstructed at any given time, and I was more than ok with rope bondage on my entire body.
He asked if I wanted him to play a more nurturing father role, or a real dominant one who is demanding and insistent, not gentle. I asked if it had to be either, or? Couldn’t it be a yes/and? He smiled and said yes. Then he laid out the ground rules of pleasing him, acknowledging his request, calling him “sir”, using the safe words, having frequent check ins and we began the journey.
He sat in a chair, had me bring him a glass of wine, and his suitcase and then kneel down between his legs. He then had me lay prone my head touching the floor, my butt in the air. He laid his toys out beside me and slowly picked up a flogger. Tracing it on my body, asking if I knew what it was.
Then he began to rhythmically flog one cheek, then the other. There were two times I was close to saying “yellow” it was right at my pain threshold, but then Dom would sense it and back off. Next he grabbed my hair and pulled me up on my knees, my eyes to his, and he pulled on my nipples, hard. Again just as I was going to say “yellow” he began to back off. He then grabbed his red rope, and began to tie it around my breasts, my chests, my shoulders, the sides of my neck, and then took my hands and put some cuffs on me, and then had me crawl across the floor to the door. He hooked the metal clasps on the metal door jam, my hands stretched above my head. I had to be on my tiptoes. Then he systematically flogged my body.
He would alternate between the edge of pain, and pleasure; calling me the agreed upon words, asking if I was enjoying pleasing him; saying I was pleasing him very much. As I was there hanging from the doorway on tiptoes, totally exposed allowing myself to go into the pleasure of humiliation, the excitement of being “dirty”, “bad”, “insatiable” something broke in me. I began to cry, huge cathartic sobs. Dom wanted to check in, so he slowly brought the scene down, kissed my eyes, held my heart, unhooked my hands and led me back over to the chair. I expressed that what had come up for me was the constant desire for approval to be loved, that had led to my shapeshifting, my people pleasing tendencies. Still had a large hold on me in part because it felt like to me that no one on the planet could ever love accept and desire the “bad” girl in me. That even if I did find someone who did, they could never love accept and desire my pure sweet Christlike self, and yet, just now, someone had. They saw my huge spiritual gifts, and dared to journey deep with my vixen. Desired and adored both. Something I had carried since I was seven began to melt away.
Dom asked me what direction I wanted to go in now. We continued with me asking for what I wanted, not quite begging, but getting closer, he asked me if I wanted to take the rope off before we continued, or keep it on. I immediately began to answer… but he stopped me and said “let your slut answer” I had been about to say, “take it off, lets play BEing just us”, I realized a part of me still wanted to wear the rope, wanted to keep playing and that the rest of me did not, did not even consider that part of me, ME. “Me just being me” was the sweet intuitive, unconditional lover, giver, and I wanted to honor the animalistic, hedonistic selfish woman, so I kept it on.
There came a point, that something was different. I didn’t know what but I didn’t wait until I figured it out. I honored myself and asked him to stop immediately. He did. We sat and eyegazed and he let me have space to dig through my feelings, find my words, and I realized I was at a saturation point. I had hit all of the edges I could handle today, released, allowed, accepted, surrendered so much. Anything more would be too much. It would be that extra plate you always regret later for eating at the all you can eat buffet.
I realized 2 huge things as we cuddled and we slowly came down, as he untied me. I slowly allowed my “bad” girl to have a seat with my other parts in my psyche. Maybe not to make decisions or be fully integrated, but my parts were willing to listen to her instead of shunning her.
The two things were, that BDSM is not really a means of pleasure for me, the sensation play I love, but the other, I see only as a tool to help access my hidden parts, my BDSM curiosity and fantasies were because it would be a useful tool to heal some deep seated crap in my psyche, in my body. But ultimately, once those shifts have occured, it really isn’t my thing. I would rather have energetic penetration, sensation playing, wrestling, laughing, cuddling, making love with my partner and God. I never could have understood any of that, or the stuff I was shoving down, had I not been a yes to creating an experience to try it.
The second was HUGE. As Dom began to talk to my Inner Slut. We found out her name was Morena, pronounced MORE-rain-AH. The name I had always wanted to give a daughter. I realized Morena had been around since I was seven years old. I had drawn sexy pictures made up explicit stories of what sex was to me, used to turn our bean bags chairs into penis’s and have my best girlfriends go make running leaps with me and jump on them. I was aware of and fascinated with my genitals and although sex was never anything discussed or brought up at my house. I found ways to read about it, discuss it, draw it, act it out, dream it! Then at 8 I was molested, at 10 and 15 I was raped and each time I buried that inner slut, that sex-positive connieseur deeper and deeper. Convinced it was her fault I was getting abused, that men wanted me, that my voice and power were being taken away, that that part of me was evil and bad and completely unloveable. That if I let her out, she would “destroy” my divine self and any relationship I was lucky enough to be in.
WOW. Big stuff.
It’s now Sunday (the next day). I have been in bed all day, relaxing, integrating, processing, taking a day off, even though I “should” be working on my never-ending “to-do” list. I feel like I just went through major surgery, and the idea that my light and shadow may have a way of co-existing. Of being loved, adored, accepted by my beloveds, by ME. The implications are HUGE!!! I have begun to heal, just might be time for the collective to also. I have a glimpse of how powerful my light self is. I am anxiously yet nervously excited to meet the empowered goddess who is my WHOLE.
AND now a little over a week later I dared to open even further, I opened myself to all new fantasies, I posted about BDSM and strap-ons in my FB status, I am going to places in conversation with clients that I have never gone to, about dark desires, about their “slutty” sides and I am just soooo extremely grateful that I now have an all new place of knowing, of compassionate space holding, a shiny new tool for my toolbox. Even more importantly, I feel free, I feel passionate about every aspect of my life, I feel accepted and therefore accept, unconditionally, everyone in my life.
I finally intimately understand Rumi’s field “Out beyond the ideas of right and wrong, there is a field. I will meet you there.”
This morning an exciting chapter in my life began. An exciting, terrifying, wonderfully insane, risky adventure began. In order to be more involved in community and to pursue my soul purpose I have arranged to stay in San Diego for one week out of every month for the next few months. Despite the loving charity of many friends who have encouraged me, and offered gifts both spiritual and physical to help me, I began to have a lot of doubts. My sweet beloved was recently laid off, and we are in a predicament.
At one point, I almost turned the car around. Instead, I began to pray and ask what was wanted of me. I was at the point that I was willing to surrender myself completely to divine will whatever that might be. (I suspected that the plan may well be for me to turn back and support my family, rather than pursue my dreams). As I felt sorrow, and really feeling lack like my dreams drain too much of our family’s resources, I was also aware of my dear friends sorrow on the passing of their beloved friend. My prayer turned to a supplication of comfort for those he left behind.
When I had heard of his transitioning, my first thought had been “I really wish I could ask him right now, if there was any accountability on the other side for being freely sexually expressed here.”
But Wow, Did I get an unexpected response! It was one of the most spiritual experiences of my life, and I am still reeling.
As I prayed I felt my heart opening more and more. I felt like pure knowledge was pouring in, not as thoughts, but as feelings. I felt as if only a small part of me remained in my body and the remainder went somewhere else and began downloading.
I saw him surrounded by people. He was smiling, completely at peace feeling so much joy, and could also feel the love being sent from all of his friends still here. He turned and looked at me and said “Tell them to Live High”. (I felt him mean this message to 2 of my dear friends specifically, and the sentiment to everyone else who was mourning him). Then he was gone.
I was then in another room/space/dimension? somewhere and was surrounded by three or four figures (presences). I could not see them, they were bright and I could not see any features. I felt unconditional love pouring from them. The same feeling that I have felt the few times I have felt our Savior close by. I felt as if they were part of my heavenly family, truly divine beings. What followed was passed on to me in feelings instead of words, but I can’t adequately describe the feelings so I will do my best to put it into words.
The work my sex-positive peers are doing is so vital in this place in history. I have always looked at it before like they are such beings filled with love that they are special in Gods eyes despite their work in sexuality. Today in that moment with those divine beings I felt feelings of such intensity that there can be no doubt in my mind; that they are loved. They are thought of as brave, and trailblazers and part of God’s elite/chosen. The host of heaven are rejoicing in their work, and the truths they are spreading around the world.
It was also impressed so strongly upon me that a big part of my purpose is helping as many “light beings” (zen masters/Christian missionaries/sex positive workers/movie stars/my next door neighbor)..the people that are doing they’re stuff, and letting their light shine, know and feel how loved they are. How important the work is they are doing. How proud their divine family is of them. How unique and grand each of their spirits are, and how brave they are to be doing what they are doing. I felt especially drawn to the sex-positive workers at this time because I felt they need this message the most.
For the first time I was actually happy being a “super-fan” it held no negative stuff for me. Because these divine beings, indeed all the hosts of heaven are super fans of my peers…of me.
I felt so cherished and so complete, and completely loved (like I wasn’t lacking anything, I don’t know how to describe it, like everything in that moment was perfect. I was perfect). And the path I have begun is so important and definitely is where I should be right now.
When the experience ended, I was returned to my body and found that I had safely traveled the 30 minutes through the mountain gorge that separates Utah from Nevada (a treacherous drive) without any recollection of doing so. My body had been safely guided through while my spirit was on a most important journey.
As I step into my own path of sex positive empowerment, I treasure and hold dear everything that was transmitted on that day.